Pārdomas

Biju uz koncertu, diemžēl nebūtībā aizgājusi leģenda. Leģenda kura man ļoti ļoti patika. Žēl Jāni Grodumu, žēl Līvus. Jānim piemita visneparastākā rock vokāls. Tāda balss nebija nevienam.
Piemiņas koncertā bija tik daudz cilvēku, man prieks , ka devos tur ar pašu labāko draugu pasaulē. Jo kopības sajūta koncī bija nepārspējama. Uzstājās Latvijas estrādes grandi un cilvēki dziedāja līdzi un aplaudēja, kamēr sāka sāpēt rokas un balsis aizsmaka. Koncertā nebija nedz apsardzes nedz norobežojumu, bet nebija nekādu nekārtību, panki mierīgi dejoja skatuves priekšā un pārējie vecie un jaunie bija sasēdušies kur nu kurais.
Laiku pa laikam klausoties labos vārdus ko mūziķi veltīja Jānim , pacēlu acis pret debesīm un cerēju, ka Jānis to dzird un ka viņam tur augšā ir labi.
Visskaistākā dziesma Jānim veltītā bija Ievas Akurāteres dziedātā :

rūgts ir ne tikai analgīns
bet arī dzīve ziniet
nevajag zaķi nesteigsimies
neatvadīsimies

asara zirnekļa tīklā
tāds ir mans liktenis ziniet
bet nevajag notraukt vienalga
neatvadīsimies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKxVL_5Gsnk&playnext_from=QL

Lai vieglas smiltis Tev Latvieti mūsu Roka Leģena Jāni Grodum.

Nightmare

I keep seeing these night mares over and over again. I feel so tired, I almost feel like I haven't slept at all in night. When the late evening comes, I go to sleep like every normal being, reading some book before sleep or watching movie... well something relaxing. I always hope that I will sleep tight and without any dreams. It is just so hard every night experience some horror or seeing ugly things. Maybe it is the way how my soul shows , that there is something very wrong deep inside me....

romansse


xo xo xo

Winter story... contintued

Something have changed since that day , when I was sitting on top of the cable bridge ... It was the day when I met ... Cold..Him..I have no idea how to call him. Was he real? Probably not, I think it was just my imagination, my hallucination or something like that. It just couldn't be real. I should give him some name though, even it is a fantasy. Even a fantasy people should be named... right?! I think so. All the names which comes in my mind is kind cliche ... I won't call , him Edward though... It would be so very very cliche'! I might call him Caldwell , in shortening he could be Cald. Sounds OK for me and it means cold well. So I think it might be just the right name for him.
This morning before going out i checked temperate, outside it is kinda cold ... -27 C . Ha! Very cold, indeed ;) I can feel Cald's presence outside. I can feel how he bites in my nose , how he pinches in my cheeks , how he breaths under my clothing , how he blows in my hair, I can feel him surrounding me. I love this cold, I hope it will never go away.
Who am I ? I know you might think ,who is this crazy girl... Well I am simply me , Anika, female, 20 years old... well almost 20 years old, but who counts right! I should turn 20 in summer. So hopefully I will live long enough. If Caldwell won't take me away with him. I am student, living in tiny dorm room. I live one day at a time. You can never know if tomorrow will come. I sometimes dream that I will die in night and never will see next morning. I sometimes wait when my soul will travel away. It sometimes feels like it... it feels like my soul is tiny thread of glass , so translucent, so fragile, so easily broken. Soul is like a gift from a God, like a breath , invisible but you know that it is there. Sometimes I wait if my soul will just leave me , because I feel like I haven't earned it in any way possible.
I am standing in front of mirror looking at me, dressed in two pairs of woolen socks, one pair is with yellow and black stripes and other pair is with green, blue,gray,red and yellow stripes.. I knitted them myself. I move my toes just to see that I have them and I can move them. I wear my new blue jeans, they are very good looking, I like how they feel like gloves on my skin , envelopes my legs. Then I dress in my favorite pink bra.. I love very colorful bras under my dark clothing, makes me feel more exotic. There comes black pullover with long sleeves and high turtle neck, it almost swallows me , it feels very good being in such big and warm piece of clothing. I look at my self in mirror , eying my face, I have dark hair, full lips and high cheekbones and grayish, blueish eyes. I pull corners of my lips and make my self smile a little bit. I am a mess, this morning, my hair is so yucky because shower is so cold , and i am not ready to allow Cald see me like that. Not yet. Will wait a little or go over my aunt , she has a warm shower. I brush my hair and pull them back in pony tail. Something is missing in my looks... I look for my earrings, I can't go out of room ,without earrings.I love earrings. They are so much fun and I love how they gently touches my neck when I move my head. It feels like someone would caress my neck with tips of their fingers. I search for my red lip gloss , then comes my red scarf , my coat , shoes, my fingerless gloves and my purse, I pull hood of the coat over my head. I take a last look at my self in mirror.... who is this girl ? I always ask that. She is some other me , some other part of me, the one who goes outside, the one who wears one of the countless social masks.. I am ready, ready to go.. I may return.. and I may not...

To be continued...

Winter story...

Winter have turned my little country in winter wonderland. It is very beautiful indeed. And very cold, frost have turned trees and houses, forests and fields in white Winter kingdom.
Saturday I was sitting on the top of the cable bridge. It was a very cold and cloudless day, I was sitting up there and watching down at the city under my feet and wondering about people crossing bridge and taking pictures of frozen harbor. I was sitting there and feeling the cold coming closer and closer to me, I could even see him materialize in front of my eyes, he was forming from my breath , slowly like a ice flowers his shape was forming, from beautiful Chrystal's of ice. My my my.... well he was like a glass with carvings in shape of flowers , he was like tattooed ancient God, only his tattoos were white on his Chrystal-clear ice skin. He sat down next to me ... I could feel cold surrounding me, caressing my skin, making my eyes water and my cheeks redden, i looked almost flushed and like i was blushing.... maybe I was? He was so magnificent, with his Chrystal hair, who looked long and cold and sharp like icicles, he looked a little like ancient Roman man , with straight nose, and high cheekbones, I should have asked his age, but at that moment it was last what was on my mind. He sat down next to me... he didn't say a word, only was watching city and watching people under our feet and watching frozen harbor , with frozen ships in it. "Seems , like people even doesn't notice me....", he said, like wondering. And seemed little arrogant... in a way, how they dare to not notice cold, and freeze and just ignore it and keep running and running and fucking running!!! i was sitting there, almost frozen my self. "They don't notice me either" , I agreed, he looked at me , but I could see in his eyes a question. "Well they should notice somebody sitting on top of the bridge!", i continued, "Maybe I am not as famous as you , but well they should have thought , that I might be some silly suicidal girl, sitting on top of the cable bridge and thinking about jumping down. " ... but they all seem to say ... so what! "And so ... why are you sitting here?" , he asked, frowning , looked very young at this moment. "Very simply, i just wanted to see how it is up here, how it is to sit up here wonder about city under my feet, wonder , how the ships will get out of frozen harbor and wonder in how long time , the cold will envelope me like a blanket", I felt very poetic this morning. I could feel how the cold brushes my legs and my clothing how it fills my lungs and my nose ... how my breath turns in snow in my hair and in my eyebrows and eyelashes, I was almost turning in snowy person , almost like he. "Your life is short isn't it?" , I asked , "You will melt soon, the spring will come and you will melt" , I somehow felt quite sad about it, almost like losing an almost-friend of mine. He didn't answer just stared at people under us and leaned closer to me and silently said " Soon I will ornament ,this bridge and cables and the place you sit in frost, it will be for you. i saw you up here, usually people don't see me. I wonder, why do you see me, and why nobody doesn't see you... " .... he leaned even closer to me and kept watching in my eyes, his eyes were deep and grey like ice who covers rivers and seas ... very deep and grey , i couldn't blink... my eyes started to water and one tear escaped my eyes and run down my cheek, it felt burning hot. He was so close to me, I leaned closer and inhaled cold coming from him , i could feel the smell of cold, burning feeling in my nose and throat.... he whispered in my ear "i live forever, I live in deepest caves, i live in people cold hearts, I live in their cold eyes , I live in their un-hearing ears, I live in your frozen fingers" ... and then he bit down at my neck... i could feel the cold coming from his teeth and inject the cold in my blood stream, i could feel the cold seep in my bones... I was becoming frozen...

Your dearly devoted romansse...

P.S To be continued... maybe...

xo xo xo

shoot me please....

Ohhh my goodness somebody please get rid of these women!! There just went ( jumped) out of the window my hope for silent evening in home alone!! Yeaaah right!! We are fool's when we give in to our hopes. Hope it is food for fool's. I am the biggest fool of all.
I am so tired from people around , why can't they give me one evening of quiet? I just need to get my energy back. And some good long sleeping in... aha right!! How can I have my sleep in , is she will get up at 6 am or something! Cammmmon!!! Where all this bad karma have showed up. I haven't done anything wrong for a while. I love how people love stay -you should toughen up , don't let people to use you. Aha and what are you doing just now?? What are you doing right now?? Using me or I would say I would like to have a little understanding... you know.
I am just so damn tired. All of you people sucking off my energy , I don't have that much, I need something for my self as well.
Somebody shoot me please... maybe then there will be some peace. Yeah some people say that only in grave there will be peace... they might be just right. But I don't want to wait till I will rot in grave.

romansse in shitty mood

no songs today no kisses and hugs.

P.S Today i did good on my exam, but somehow I don't feel much joy of that.

women....

women are very interesting and strange creatures ... There are several kinds of women , i like women I feel peaceful with, that kind of women whom I don't want to get rid of. With peaceful I meant , women I can feel in peace around it doesn't mean I like some kind of phlegmatic women who just sits in place. I like calm women who doesn't eat up my energy, women who are just in peace with her self and is funny and nice and goodhearted. Like my girls. I had enough with two of them , you know, but now, it is like everyone want something from me! I don't need that much people, that much women around me. It is just like everyone of them wants a piece of me , which I do not want to give. I love to give to people i do love, like my girls, but those other ones just use me ! And that's too much! There will be war... i will go underground. Wont pick up phone and pretend no to be home!

today's song Blue October - Breakfast after 10.

romansse

xo xo xo

dreamz...

I just woke up... sadly. I wish I could of dreamed for longer, I wish I didn't know that I am waking up and I wish that my dream would come true... I was so happy in my dream , I was so in love and it was my wedding day. I was beautiful all in white wonderful dress and long veil. I was so happy with him , I never have seen him in my life but in my dream he was so sweet , he was so full of love, and he loved me so much and I loved him so much. It was like a dream come true.... Yeah I always say wedding is not for me and so on and on. But in this dream it was so much for me , it was my day and he was my man, and I was so insanely happy. Then I woke up. All alone in my room, outside is beautiful winter, with cold blue sky and it is freezing, but now it feels like winter is inside me. So lonely I have never felt, so alone and cheated. It is like I had something and now it is taken away, and I can't help it. I feel like my brain would have played evil trick with me. I always had nightmares and now I had wonderful dream and i was finally happy, but of course it had to be taken away as well. It feels like my brain gave me some love , gave me that one person I loved in my dream and the feelings of love were so real that after waking up it felt like somebody have taken him from me, it felt like little death a loss of beloved one. I sometimes feel like my mind is enemy of my. Gives me nightmares and then understands that they don't get to me and now gives me dreams, with happy things going on and me being happy. That does get to me!! So gets to me!!

Today's song - Blue October - My never.

romansse