Pārdomas

Biju uz koncertu, diemžēl nebūtībā aizgājusi leģenda. Leģenda kura man ļoti ļoti patika. Žēl Jāni Grodumu, žēl Līvus. Jānim piemita visneparastākā rock vokāls. Tāda balss nebija nevienam.
Piemiņas koncertā bija tik daudz cilvēku, man prieks , ka devos tur ar pašu labāko draugu pasaulē. Jo kopības sajūta koncī bija nepārspējama. Uzstājās Latvijas estrādes grandi un cilvēki dziedāja līdzi un aplaudēja, kamēr sāka sāpēt rokas un balsis aizsmaka. Koncertā nebija nedz apsardzes nedz norobežojumu, bet nebija nekādu nekārtību, panki mierīgi dejoja skatuves priekšā un pārējie vecie un jaunie bija sasēdušies kur nu kurais.
Laiku pa laikam klausoties labos vārdus ko mūziķi veltīja Jānim , pacēlu acis pret debesīm un cerēju, ka Jānis to dzird un ka viņam tur augšā ir labi.
Visskaistākā dziesma Jānim veltītā bija Ievas Akurāteres dziedātā :

rūgts ir ne tikai analgīns
bet arī dzīve ziniet
nevajag zaķi nesteigsimies
neatvadīsimies

asara zirnekļa tīklā
tāds ir mans liktenis ziniet
bet nevajag notraukt vienalga
neatvadīsimies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKxVL_5Gsnk&playnext_from=QL

Lai vieglas smiltis Tev Latvieti mūsu Roka Leģena Jāni Grodum.

Nightmare

I keep seeing these night mares over and over again. I feel so tired, I almost feel like I haven't slept at all in night. When the late evening comes, I go to sleep like every normal being, reading some book before sleep or watching movie... well something relaxing. I always hope that I will sleep tight and without any dreams. It is just so hard every night experience some horror or seeing ugly things. Maybe it is the way how my soul shows , that there is something very wrong deep inside me....

romansse


xo xo xo

Winter story... contintued

Something have changed since that day , when I was sitting on top of the cable bridge ... It was the day when I met ... Cold..Him..I have no idea how to call him. Was he real? Probably not, I think it was just my imagination, my hallucination or something like that. It just couldn't be real. I should give him some name though, even it is a fantasy. Even a fantasy people should be named... right?! I think so. All the names which comes in my mind is kind cliche ... I won't call , him Edward though... It would be so very very cliche'! I might call him Caldwell , in shortening he could be Cald. Sounds OK for me and it means cold well. So I think it might be just the right name for him.
This morning before going out i checked temperate, outside it is kinda cold ... -27 C . Ha! Very cold, indeed ;) I can feel Cald's presence outside. I can feel how he bites in my nose , how he pinches in my cheeks , how he breaths under my clothing , how he blows in my hair, I can feel him surrounding me. I love this cold, I hope it will never go away.
Who am I ? I know you might think ,who is this crazy girl... Well I am simply me , Anika, female, 20 years old... well almost 20 years old, but who counts right! I should turn 20 in summer. So hopefully I will live long enough. If Caldwell won't take me away with him. I am student, living in tiny dorm room. I live one day at a time. You can never know if tomorrow will come. I sometimes dream that I will die in night and never will see next morning. I sometimes wait when my soul will travel away. It sometimes feels like it... it feels like my soul is tiny thread of glass , so translucent, so fragile, so easily broken. Soul is like a gift from a God, like a breath , invisible but you know that it is there. Sometimes I wait if my soul will just leave me , because I feel like I haven't earned it in any way possible.
I am standing in front of mirror looking at me, dressed in two pairs of woolen socks, one pair is with yellow and black stripes and other pair is with green, blue,gray,red and yellow stripes.. I knitted them myself. I move my toes just to see that I have them and I can move them. I wear my new blue jeans, they are very good looking, I like how they feel like gloves on my skin , envelopes my legs. Then I dress in my favorite pink bra.. I love very colorful bras under my dark clothing, makes me feel more exotic. There comes black pullover with long sleeves and high turtle neck, it almost swallows me , it feels very good being in such big and warm piece of clothing. I look at my self in mirror , eying my face, I have dark hair, full lips and high cheekbones and grayish, blueish eyes. I pull corners of my lips and make my self smile a little bit. I am a mess, this morning, my hair is so yucky because shower is so cold , and i am not ready to allow Cald see me like that. Not yet. Will wait a little or go over my aunt , she has a warm shower. I brush my hair and pull them back in pony tail. Something is missing in my looks... I look for my earrings, I can't go out of room ,without earrings.I love earrings. They are so much fun and I love how they gently touches my neck when I move my head. It feels like someone would caress my neck with tips of their fingers. I search for my red lip gloss , then comes my red scarf , my coat , shoes, my fingerless gloves and my purse, I pull hood of the coat over my head. I take a last look at my self in mirror.... who is this girl ? I always ask that. She is some other me , some other part of me, the one who goes outside, the one who wears one of the countless social masks.. I am ready, ready to go.. I may return.. and I may not...

To be continued...

Winter story...

Winter have turned my little country in winter wonderland. It is very beautiful indeed. And very cold, frost have turned trees and houses, forests and fields in white Winter kingdom.
Saturday I was sitting on the top of the cable bridge. It was a very cold and cloudless day, I was sitting up there and watching down at the city under my feet and wondering about people crossing bridge and taking pictures of frozen harbor. I was sitting there and feeling the cold coming closer and closer to me, I could even see him materialize in front of my eyes, he was forming from my breath , slowly like a ice flowers his shape was forming, from beautiful Chrystal's of ice. My my my.... well he was like a glass with carvings in shape of flowers , he was like tattooed ancient God, only his tattoos were white on his Chrystal-clear ice skin. He sat down next to me ... I could feel cold surrounding me, caressing my skin, making my eyes water and my cheeks redden, i looked almost flushed and like i was blushing.... maybe I was? He was so magnificent, with his Chrystal hair, who looked long and cold and sharp like icicles, he looked a little like ancient Roman man , with straight nose, and high cheekbones, I should have asked his age, but at that moment it was last what was on my mind. He sat down next to me... he didn't say a word, only was watching city and watching people under our feet and watching frozen harbor , with frozen ships in it. "Seems , like people even doesn't notice me....", he said, like wondering. And seemed little arrogant... in a way, how they dare to not notice cold, and freeze and just ignore it and keep running and running and fucking running!!! i was sitting there, almost frozen my self. "They don't notice me either" , I agreed, he looked at me , but I could see in his eyes a question. "Well they should notice somebody sitting on top of the bridge!", i continued, "Maybe I am not as famous as you , but well they should have thought , that I might be some silly suicidal girl, sitting on top of the cable bridge and thinking about jumping down. " ... but they all seem to say ... so what! "And so ... why are you sitting here?" , he asked, frowning , looked very young at this moment. "Very simply, i just wanted to see how it is up here, how it is to sit up here wonder about city under my feet, wonder , how the ships will get out of frozen harbor and wonder in how long time , the cold will envelope me like a blanket", I felt very poetic this morning. I could feel how the cold brushes my legs and my clothing how it fills my lungs and my nose ... how my breath turns in snow in my hair and in my eyebrows and eyelashes, I was almost turning in snowy person , almost like he. "Your life is short isn't it?" , I asked , "You will melt soon, the spring will come and you will melt" , I somehow felt quite sad about it, almost like losing an almost-friend of mine. He didn't answer just stared at people under us and leaned closer to me and silently said " Soon I will ornament ,this bridge and cables and the place you sit in frost, it will be for you. i saw you up here, usually people don't see me. I wonder, why do you see me, and why nobody doesn't see you... " .... he leaned even closer to me and kept watching in my eyes, his eyes were deep and grey like ice who covers rivers and seas ... very deep and grey , i couldn't blink... my eyes started to water and one tear escaped my eyes and run down my cheek, it felt burning hot. He was so close to me, I leaned closer and inhaled cold coming from him , i could feel the smell of cold, burning feeling in my nose and throat.... he whispered in my ear "i live forever, I live in deepest caves, i live in people cold hearts, I live in their cold eyes , I live in their un-hearing ears, I live in your frozen fingers" ... and then he bit down at my neck... i could feel the cold coming from his teeth and inject the cold in my blood stream, i could feel the cold seep in my bones... I was becoming frozen...

Your dearly devoted romansse...

P.S To be continued... maybe...

xo xo xo

shoot me please....

Ohhh my goodness somebody please get rid of these women!! There just went ( jumped) out of the window my hope for silent evening in home alone!! Yeaaah right!! We are fool's when we give in to our hopes. Hope it is food for fool's. I am the biggest fool of all.
I am so tired from people around , why can't they give me one evening of quiet? I just need to get my energy back. And some good long sleeping in... aha right!! How can I have my sleep in , is she will get up at 6 am or something! Cammmmon!!! Where all this bad karma have showed up. I haven't done anything wrong for a while. I love how people love stay -you should toughen up , don't let people to use you. Aha and what are you doing just now?? What are you doing right now?? Using me or I would say I would like to have a little understanding... you know.
I am just so damn tired. All of you people sucking off my energy , I don't have that much, I need something for my self as well.
Somebody shoot me please... maybe then there will be some peace. Yeah some people say that only in grave there will be peace... they might be just right. But I don't want to wait till I will rot in grave.

romansse in shitty mood

no songs today no kisses and hugs.

P.S Today i did good on my exam, but somehow I don't feel much joy of that.

women....

women are very interesting and strange creatures ... There are several kinds of women , i like women I feel peaceful with, that kind of women whom I don't want to get rid of. With peaceful I meant , women I can feel in peace around it doesn't mean I like some kind of phlegmatic women who just sits in place. I like calm women who doesn't eat up my energy, women who are just in peace with her self and is funny and nice and goodhearted. Like my girls. I had enough with two of them , you know, but now, it is like everyone want something from me! I don't need that much people, that much women around me. It is just like everyone of them wants a piece of me , which I do not want to give. I love to give to people i do love, like my girls, but those other ones just use me ! And that's too much! There will be war... i will go underground. Wont pick up phone and pretend no to be home!

today's song Blue October - Breakfast after 10.

romansse

xo xo xo

dreamz...

I just woke up... sadly. I wish I could of dreamed for longer, I wish I didn't know that I am waking up and I wish that my dream would come true... I was so happy in my dream , I was so in love and it was my wedding day. I was beautiful all in white wonderful dress and long veil. I was so happy with him , I never have seen him in my life but in my dream he was so sweet , he was so full of love, and he loved me so much and I loved him so much. It was like a dream come true.... Yeah I always say wedding is not for me and so on and on. But in this dream it was so much for me , it was my day and he was my man, and I was so insanely happy. Then I woke up. All alone in my room, outside is beautiful winter, with cold blue sky and it is freezing, but now it feels like winter is inside me. So lonely I have never felt, so alone and cheated. It is like I had something and now it is taken away, and I can't help it. I feel like my brain would have played evil trick with me. I always had nightmares and now I had wonderful dream and i was finally happy, but of course it had to be taken away as well. It feels like my brain gave me some love , gave me that one person I loved in my dream and the feelings of love were so real that after waking up it felt like somebody have taken him from me, it felt like little death a loss of beloved one. I sometimes feel like my mind is enemy of my. Gives me nightmares and then understands that they don't get to me and now gives me dreams, with happy things going on and me being happy. That does get to me!! So gets to me!!

Today's song - Blue October - My never.

romansse

Hello sweathearts

The first week in new year have started. I wish all of you a happy, successful , busy , complicated, interesting and full of love year. It is never entirely happy because, the life is life and stuff happen, there is always good things and bad things, we meet good people, bad people, interesting and boring people. We make mistakes and we try to be better , we sometimes go down till the end of pool and then go up again. Life is pretty darn wavy just like pacific ocean ... it can be very still and peaceful and then everything turns upside down. We just have to be willing to swim and not to drown. Life is very beautiful, complicated, interesting and short, we have to live it as best we can, because sometimes, it is not so shiny and pretty but if we do the best we can if we fight and try and learn then it is worth it. Meaningless life is just oxygen waste.
In 29th or December I went to cinema outside was such a crappy weather, it was rainy and wet and cold and windy and it quite damaged my make-up. I love the atmosphere of cinema, excited people and smell if popcorn and coca-cola. Everything is in movement and little hurry, everywhere goes movie trailers and there is big posters of movies I have seen and movies I have ,yet, to see. Well I went to movie Avatar... mmmmm.. it was delicious, succulent, 3D and colorful. Probably the most colorful and visually beautiful movie i have ever seen. It was like pleasure to my senses. In movie it brings us to completely different world, in green and beautiful forest to humanoids lean and beautiful and tall and blue, so different from outside world, cold and wet. I was so happy that I saw that movie, it was so worth it. After the movie I stopped in train station tunnel to listen in one young men beautifully playing saxophone it made all tunnel sing but people just kept going and going , never stopping or listening or giving some little money... People just run and run and run ... please humans stop for second and look around!

Today's song - Regina Spektor - Fidelity

romansse

xo xo xo

Hello everyone!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas holiday and I hope that you all start to think about new aims and wishes for a new 2010 year. It is a year of Tiger, so all cat like animals meau with me ... meaaaaau ;)) This is our year and we will rule the world! So other species beware of tigers and cats.
I hope everyone had their Christmases in their heart and they didn't came from store. To get in Christmas mood i suggest to watch all the Christmas movies to understand meaning of family and Christmas spirit. I had a nice Christmas with my family and big Christmas tree and with a few presents and loads of food. It was fun!
But now life is moving on and I make new plans and remember about unfinished stuff, which I should finish before year ends, like school works, interviews and other things. It is nice to start a clean start , when all unfinished things is finished and some of the new things is already started. Before new year comes I really want to see movie Avatar , I hope it is as good as I imagine!! :))

so happy new year to everyone!!

today's song is - Elvis Presley - Burning love ;)

romansse

xo xo xo

Cousin...

Ohh my romansse is slightly drunk I drank some of hot wine , we do have pretty damn cold winter. It so windy here and so cold, I turned in piece of ice today. And I desperately need someone to melt me ;) I am just flirting with finest of my fans :D
i have some bonding time with my beautiful beautiful blond cousin, well she is some real pretty woman . But we have estranged over the years, when i was child we had awesome time together we played in her house, we made dancing moves for song, she used to try on me her make up and liked to polish my nails, only we didn't share passion for Backstreet-boys, I thought they were kind of lame., and Nick Carter never was my type :D Alright this is shameful moment , but at that time Leonardo Di Caprio was my type :D , then I quickly changed him to Johnny Depp and I stick with him , till now. But it is nice to be with my cousin from time to time, to learn something new about her , to learn to understand her, she was always much different then me, we have completely different goals in life we are like night and day . But well she is pretty nice... good to understand that now :))

Tonight's song - Regina Spektor - Fidelity

Sincerely your romansse

xo xo xo

my desktop

thought it would be fun to show you how pretty my dekstop is and I do want to try out one thing to see how it works :D

Just talk ...

Hello there my sweethearts , I just returned from store with a huge bag full of mandarin oranges, I think it starts to become a serious matter. I may be addicted to them . I can eat them nonstop I can live only from them, I don't need another food. It starts to sound like a serious addiction... maaaaybe C vitamin is addictive substance ?
I am really happy person today first of all I have mandarin oranges, then I have my winter, then i am happy because my girl soon will be back home , i miss her so much! And I had absolutely crazy dream to night :D I was being really rude in my dream I asked girl if she is in friends with her brain , because doesn't seems so and she is being unbelievably dumb :D LOL I am evil today , I am so full of joy , I really love mandarin oranges....

Today's song is - Blue October - You make me smile.

Sincerely your dearly devoted romansse

xo xo xo

bye

Just now i had some time with my self , giving in my body's yearning and desires , giving in my own sexuality and need for some pleasure, need for release , need for sense of peace and need for sense of freedom.
First time in really long time i was by my self, no somebodies name in my head , no longing for him, no loathing of him , no sense of sadness and hate mixed up together there were just me. Me enjoying my self , me and that wonderful explosion, feeling my body giving in , feeling my body give away that stress , hearing my own moan and whimper, my own breathing and heartbeat, my own tear running down my cheek, my own sense of victory. There were only me and nobody else. It was MY pleasure. only mine. I am nobodies tool. I am for my self.
I think I am finally letting everything go. I am finally letting him go. I am letting go all of the hate and sense of loss, and guilt. I am just letting go ...
It feel like victory. I think I am starting to win in this game. I am living for my self .
Goodbye my lover, my hate , my love, my fear, my friend... It is time for you to go and never ever come back. I am not letting nobody else to play with my mind and heart.


romansse

Hello...

Hello my darlings, I haven't been here for a while, I hope my devoted fan's won't feel upset about that. :D :D
My lessons just ended it was an interesting day. I learned today a lot about soviet educational problems and I learned a lot about John Dewey, he had pretty interesting educational theory's . 'However I would say they are utopia and a little communistic, but well it is only my opinion :D
Today I plan to watch Casablanca , I love good movies so I hope I will enjoy this one so much. I am trying to find movie Dolce vita, if everyone knows where to find it I would be happy, if some one could tell me where to find it .

Today's song is Blue October - Italian radio.

We will listen Blue October for a while , it is my new favorite band! :D

but me romansse will return to eat cranberries with honey, very delicious ...

xo xo xo

Good person?

What is a good person ? Is there any rules to be a good person? How much necessary is to be a good person?
this morning I started to question my self , if I am a good person. This morning I got a call from a girl with whom I used to work together and she have forgotten to bring keys to job , so she calls me in very morning and asks me to bring keys to her. It is weekend morning and I was sleeping so well this morning and then she wakes up me like that, You can imagine that I was not very happy person. Of course I got up took the train and gave the keys for her. I have to say in mind I wasn't very happy about it. If I still do something but I am not happy about it , am I still a good person? On my way there I kept thinking that I should have lied and told that i am in country or something and I can't bring those keys to her, but it goes against my honesty belief. I am trying to be as honest as possible with people , which ain't that easy as we can see it.
SO I keep asking my self - am I good person ? What a truly good person is supposed to be ?

But while I am questioning my self and others you guys listen Blue October - amazing, or hate me from Blue October. Blue October is my current favorite band.

romansse

xo xo xo

just

I am in such a good mood this evening. i am just laying in my bed, listening Blue October - say it and eating mandarin oranges. It is just a nice feeling. I feel calm and confident, secure and happy. Haven't felt that way for a while.

romansse wishes you sweet dreams my darlings ...


romansse

xo xo xo

New moon...

This morning I saw movie New moon. Honestly I am fan of books , like all teenage girls , well I am not teenager but anyway I am woman with romantic soul :D
So I saw the movie .... All I can say . Just stick with a book people. Book is OK. Movie lacks in so many fields. It made me cry though in one place but it was because I was thinking about the same place in book. Book is emotional and full of feelings and full of love and pain. Movie somehow can't reach in that emotional stages. I don't know if it is because of the poor acting skills of Kristen and Robert or it is just because of lack of connection between those two. Because it didn't felt that those two are madly in-love and just can't live without each other. Several times I wondered why they are together, there is nothing between them. From books we know that there is so much between them , so much love and caring , protectiveness. In movie you can't feel anything from that. It is really sad though. I hope in some years someone will film remake on all this and hit the target, cause story line is great! I like love story's I like those about endless love and happily ever after. I can be quite cynical in life but I adore love story's. Twilight movie now seems so much better then New moon movie.

Today's song will be Blue October - sound of pulling heaven down.


slightly disappointed romansse wishes you all good day ....

romansse

xo xo xo

I am genius!

Ohhh I love when I have done well and got a good mark in school. Then I feel like a genius. It is nice to feel pretty smart , isn't it ? Well if you remember few days ago I was complaining about writing a paper about Jean Piaget ? Well today I was presenting it ... and guess what! I got B+! And our teacher is pretty stern.
Ahh and today in one more subject I got B ! It was a final mark and it will go in system ... yeeey! I never understood that subject and it was quite complicated but anyway it is nice to get good grade. LOL today the same teacher was staring at my boobies :D But it didn't matter for mark he already told those marks. So i had very productive day and I feel damn good about it.
Only problem i have thou is that I have a temperature and I freak out from the thought that it might be stupid flew. I hate flew. It is not cool. But well I am a little hypochondriac when it comes to health.

Today's song would be Eva Cassidy - songbird

romansse

xo xo xo

Blaaah

Hey, I just finished reading Anne Stuart's - Still lake ... all I can say about the book is blaaah... Camooon soo predictable. In first pages of the book I already knew who the murderer is! It is pretty simple for those who enjoys some crime books and loves CSI and Bones and another crime tv series. It is so simple. And heroes was so slow in realizing who the murderer is. Silly they. But well that's a book... I liked heroine though , she was cute, real sweetie-pie, stubborn , independent , fragile and just cute as a chipmunk. And i just loove these heroines who isn't so skinny that you can count every single bone on her skin. I like when women have some curves you know... But the hero - John Smith in this case , has to be tall and muscled, skillful in bed, strong and gentle .. he has to be pretty much every girls dream! Because these books are written for women not man, man don't read that kind of crap , they are too visual, the written sex scenes doesn't do too much good for them. Ahhh and sex scenes Anne Stuart makes sooo hot. I was all burning in desire from that book .... yummmy....


sexual charged romansse wishes you all sweet dreams

see ya

romansse

xo xo xo

The song of day...

Good morning my darlings, I start new tradition in here. On the regular basis I will try to post song of day , the one which I like the most today or simply it matches my mood so well. I might forget some day to do that or just feel not in the mood of music. Well who cares... no body else , but me comes in here anyway :D :D

romansse ....

xo xo xo

P.S Ahh right I forgot to tell - today's song is Muse - sing for absolution . Good choice isn't it ? :D

seee ya ....

romansse

xo xo xo

P.P.S Darn it! I wanted to upload video, but it doesn't work. So Ok , The Song is in Youtube anyway. Listen it!